Why is it me that always gets screwed over? Just when things had started to look good for a while, just when I thought I could start trusting him agian after so many years, all that work gets thrown back into my face. More literlaly, my little footstool gets thrown around my room, and my keyboard smashed. I still haven't been able to find my Tab key. So if anyone has a spare out there...let me know :P

I take it too lighthearted I think. Maryam thinks I'm nuts for even trying to still be civil with him, even though she knows what he's done. What no one seems to understand is, is that I'm listening to myself when I tell her what goes on, and I feel like it's a made-up story. That everything I'm saying is fiction and that deep down she, or anyone, doesn't believe me. He is my brother after all.

He always said we never talked enough, he always said I chose my friends over him. That's true enough, I did, because I could trust my friends. Friends don't blackmail you. Friends don't threaten to tell your parents you smoke. Friends don't throw shit around in your room. Friends do not call you hurtful, incrediably hurtful names.

The whole day reminds me of when I was little, and I'd fall down and hurt myself, I'd end up laughing rather than crying. My mom said I rarely cried whenever I got hurt. So why do I want to do that so badly now? Why do I want someone to be around me when now when I do? Why is it always me.

I suppose in a way I'm asking to be hurt. I always forgave him, I always pretended I knew he didn't mean it. Yet heknows how to hurt me, heknows my vulnerabilities and he uses them to his advantage. He thinks the world owes him a great debt because he's suffered. He doesn't know how much everyone else in the world has suffered too. He doesn't consider for a second that someone else may have it worse off than him. The world owes him shit, and he thinks it has to bow down to him. The world doesn't owe anyone anything. I've had some pretty horrible things happen to me too. I know some people who've had even worse things happen to them, but no one I know, except for him, thinks that everyone should give in to them because of it. So maybe I've learned my lesson, trying to be the one to overlook all misgivings only gets you hurt more. I'll take my friends any day.

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then / after