I wonder what I'll be doing five years from now. I wonder who I'll still be friends with five years from now. Ik now the people that I shouldn't be friends with, if I went by my mother's definition of "quality", but what about my own? Is there anything I get out of being their friends? Is there anything I get from being anyone's friend? Am I supposed to? You would think for someone that constantly asks herself questions in this forum, that at some point I would stop repeating myself, but that never seems to happen. I suppose I'll never really know what created this eternal fountain of self-doubt and insecurity in myself. Maybe it was always there, maybe it just took the last few years to cause it to flow freely. Is it like this for everyone?

I think that's always been my main question. Does everyone have to go through this? And by "this", I mean everything. The insecurity, the anxiety, fear, frustration, anger, the weariness, and so much more. It's all rolled up into one little ball, and at times I just want to reach down inside of me and throw it so hard against a wall it breaks. So that I may break. So that I can be free. But life doesn't work like that. It doesn't let you break free, and it doesn't always let you see yourself for what you really are. I've never understood that. I've never understood how some people can be so secure in who they are that confidence just exudes from their every pore. I don't believe anyone can be like that. I don't mean to sound like a skeptic, but if people really felt like that do you think that we'd still be pondering the meaning of life? We're still watching reruns of Star Trek and Friends, wanting to be them, wanting to be them more than anything. And more than anything, we want to be anyone but ourselves. We have fun, we have parties, but when we do we're told that we do it too much. If we drink, we're drinking too much, if we don't go out, we're not going out enough. When do things become right?

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then / after