My dad has to go in for surgery some time next week. That's weird, but not unexpected. The first thing I thought though when my mom told me was I that I have to get him to pay my summer school bill before the 15th or we'll get stuck with late charges.
See Holly? I am that shallow. I'm walking along in this Wonderland that nothing will go wrong, everything will go back to normal, and life will be settled again. Was it normal before? Or settled? I can't remember the last time it was. There was never any tip-toeing through the daisies in my house. The only time that ever happened was when we wanted to keep secrets from each other. That's a hard thing to do 24 hours a day you know. I don't mean just my tongue ring, I mean the level of paranoia in this house is insane. Everyone is scared that everyone else will find out about something someone else has done.

I have been good. I understood. Like a machine, they'll fix you from the start. I'm in repair, the life that we share, I know that I'll be lost in. But we're always in repair.

I haven't listened to any Dave Matthews or Matthew Good in a couple of weeks. It brings a sinking feeling to the pit of my stomach. It just reminds me of what I can't have, and why.
It's you that I want, so please, just a casual, casual easy thing.

Maryam asked me the other day who I thought was the more fit of my parents, and when I told her it was my mother she was surprised. I can see why she'd be surprised. Outside of the house, to certain people, he's a picture of health. He's 64 but he doesn't look over 55. He's got all his hair, he's not overweight. People just don't know about all the little problems that set him back, not just physically but mentally. For my mother to have to deal with all of that, on top of having to deal with me, and even more so with my brother, it's just unspeakable. I can't even begin to grasp how much pressure is on her, with the driving, just sitting and talking with my father because he's not the most appealing person to sit down and have a casual conversation with. I'm not saying this because mothers' day is soon and I want to be sweet and sappy about it, it's just something that occurred to me as I'm writing this out. I don't plan what I say in these things...they're just..scrambled thoughts.

I've also come to the conclusion that I can be a very jealous person. I went for coffee with a friend yesterday, and was told He has a nice room. She was in his room. She was in his room? Great. Thanks. Why? Did you have fun? I hope ou did.
See how jealous I am? This is wrong, really wrong. I shouldn't be. I can't help it though. I knew nothing would happen, but I still feel hurt and jealous. Bad. Very bad.

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then / after