So it's been what...a couple of months since I've written my last entry? I don't really know. One would think that because one hasn't written anything in quite a long time, that one has been busy and gotten a life. This one hasn't. I don't really know why I haven't written anything, maybe it was boredom, for a while I thought that the reasons I'd originally started this blog (is that what this is?) were gone. That I've exhausted this as a tool and I needed to find a new one, or that I was "alright" now, and no longer needed it like I had a little over a year ago.

That isn't the case though. Or maybe it was a little bit of everything. I do need this web-diary, it's become a part of me. Talking about it has also become a lot more easier than it used to be. I used to be worried that people would think that I was some sort of creepy internet chick because not only do I have an on-line diary (in which I do tend to write about personal things), I also own a web-cam, and to those who aren't prone to using their computers on a daily basis, or for more than reading emails once a week, they tend to think some unsavoury thoughts as to why I own/use these things. Let me also clarify that I have friends overseas and not overseas, that I talk to with a handy-dandy program called NetMeeting which allows me to not only talk to them, but we can see each other, or they can see me at the same time. A very helpful thing since I miss seeing these people very much.

Anyways..

Why am I writing anything now? I honestly have no clue, that's not a hypothetical question, or a rhetorical one, it's just a simple question, because quite honestly I don't know. I just feel compelled to write something, anything. Just free-flow my thoughts into tiny bytes that take up space on the internet that's equivalent to a single particle of dust. If that. I don't know to whom I'm writing, whether it's to myself or for anyone in particular. It's just a desire. That feeling in itself is funny, because any time I've had the desire to write, it's been stronger than any other feeling I've ever had. Stronger than feelings I've ever held towards anyone.

Although I do know that I'm in a state of flux. Maybe it's just me, but it feels like my life is a bit topsy-turvy, what with moving, getting back in the groove of school, him, my parents. It's all kind of crazy and unreal. I keep thinking that someone is going to jump out and tell me that they were just kidding around and that it was all just a joke. On the other had though, I always saw myself as a creature of change, not one of habit. I always thought I thrived on it. Maybe I've just been complacent for far too long. I know I'm looking for something, I just don't know what, at least not yet. I do know that I'm not on the right path to finding that just yet. That's partly due to the fact that my parents treat me like I'm a child. They know my age, they just refuse to believe that I am that age. A topic, which if it's brought up, I'm suddenly made to feel like I'm critiqueing their parenting over the years, and that I'm ungrateful.

I just think, that if people invest over 20 years raising, and nurturing someone, that there comes a time that they will allow that person to be and act independantly from them. Not that the ties must be cut, not that I'm going to do everything that they've told me not to do. Just that they should have a little trust, and faith in my ablities as an adult. But, and I can tell from their attitude and behaviour towards me, that there is not even an iota of trust. They say that they do, but you can tell by the way they talk to me and treat me that they mask the distrust with comments such as "we care about you", or "we only do/say this because we love you."

There is such a thing as loving someone too much.

It's because of that type of behaviour that I've become a very introverted person, I think. At least in terms in how I relate to people. I can tell you intimate details of my life, but that doesn't mean that you know me. There are things about myself that I do not talk about to this day. I just want to be treated, and talked to like an adult. I'm tired of all this baby shit. It was fine when I was a kid. Not now.

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then / after